HORNY HUSBAND

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A frustrated husband was so fed up with his wife’s continuous excuses to avoid sex that he jotted it all down on a spreadsheet and e mailed it to her at the airport before she left on a business trip.

This was the most read article in The Telegraph on Monday, read by men everywhere who no doubt nodded in agreement as they identified so strongly at their similar misfortune. My husband showed me the article, clearly it rung true for him and he was feeling a sense of solidarity for the spurned brotherhood. We then had a discussion about it, each fighting our side of the story, resulting in a slight atmosphere and then lights out. I argued that it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to sleep with him, if she’s going away on ten day business trips her job is clearly demanding and she’s probably shattered.  He also doesn’t sound like a nice guy if he’s the kind of man who publishes a list like this online, but this theory fell flat as bizarrely it was the wife that did this ( after trying to contact him upon receiving the email, she discovered that he no longer wanted contact while she was away, so she went on to a social networking site to share her predicament with the online community. All very strange but there it is). Boy’s persepctive says all he wants is some sex, a man will give up eventually if he keeps being turned down, and go elsewhere. Simple as.

I am guilty of saying no too often for my husband’s liking.  My husband makes advances for pumpage far more often than I do, and I turn him down far more than he does me . He has only refused me once, in 2006. Sex is a much bigger deal for the girls. We have to receive, our bodies are entered and invaded. This is a big ask when we’re about to nod off and the last thing we want is thirteen stone thrashing about on top of us panting in our ear. What’s the big deal say the boys? They enter, they leave, they sleep.  Simple enough, and the job’s done. For them it’s like scratching an itch. For us, the stars must align.

But a raised eyebrow followed by a quick “hop on?” will absolutely guarantee you a refusal. Wake up and smell the rejection boys.  You don’t deserve it after that pithy courtship ritual. You can’t expect her to become instantly aroused for you,for doing  - nothing. We are highly intelligent and complex creatures that you will never comprehend. We are made of many layers of beauty and confusion and you will spend your lives trying to understand us.

All you have to do is listen to our constant verbalisation of every thought, and pretend to be interested  (nodding helps). Be kind. Notice when we’re wearing a new top.  Buy flowers for no reason once in a blue moon. And we will welcome you.

We can’t forget the poor boys, being continually turned down must be very disheartening. God knows you’d be very hurt and lose all confidence if your other half kept making his excuses – there’s something the matter with me, he’s not attracted to me any more, maybe I’ve put weight on, perhaps it’s my breath, he’s met someone else – the mind would boggle. The boys simply admit defeat and go to sleep. And document it in excel spread sheets.

We hold all the cards and maybe this isn’t fair on the boys. We know the elephant in the room ( is not you) is the consequence that if we don’t want to have sex with them, one day Sophie from Accounts will, and it will be all our fault apparently. But that’s not a good enough reason to roll over if you don’t feel compelled to.

We shouldn’t feel too sorry for them though. They should be grateful they’re even sharing a bed with us. We do enough already so just accept the fact that after ten years of marriage we’re not going to have sex with you every single night. We wash your underwear. The jig is up.

Read the article here.

Images courtesy of The Telegraph

BABY VOICE

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L from Sussex, 37 asks:
I met a lovely guy and we have started seeing each other. We are a few weeks in to the relationship  and he’s started using a baby voice during foreplay which really turns me off. Is this normal? 

No it’s not. How on earth are your supposed to be aroused when a grown man talks to you like he’s a child. Next he’ll be wearing giant nappy and offering you formula in a tommy tippee cup. I sense Mummy issues.
I once met a gentleman who used seedy american lingo in the bedroom and used words like panties. It was like he was in character and completely detached from the man I was attracted too. It was contrived and he was trying way too hard. I switched off instantly and didn’t see him again.
If your new gentlemen friend isn’t impressing you in the bedroom then you must go and find someone who does. Somebody needs to put baby in the corner.
Images courtesy of amazon.co.uk

MATCHMAKER

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Carla Mai is a successful fashion buyer. Her hectic life leaves her no time to find a man. That is, until the Matchmaker sets her up with a cheeky but charming man who wines and dines her late one night in her office.  Starring the beautiful Carla Mai and the strapping Peter Oh Toole.

Watch now at www.joybear.com 

THE DAILY GRIND

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Wake up, shower, breakfast, school run, work, school run, kids tea, supper, TV, bed. As creatures of habit most of us rely on the daily grind, doing the same thing every day. Over and over.  I like it, but every now and again I get totally fed up with the monotony. Generally habits make us feel safe and secure, we know what’s coming next and we are comforted by that. But once in a while – about once a quarter for me –  I don’t want to know what’s coming next, I want a surprise, a change, a break from the sensible and reliable path I travel.

From what I gather from via my trusted sources, the same can be said for our bedroom antics for couples in long term relationships. Pumpage is getting predictable. Yes, it’s still fun but we follow the same routines when it comes to getting jiggy. We all know the drill and we can rely upon solid, consistently good sex with our partners doing pretty much the same thing every time. I’m not knocking it, it’s still great,  but sometimes we need to blow the lid right off the rumpy regime.

Remember folks that your long term lover will be impressed with a new manoeuvre so take inspiration from where you can.  Copy something you’ve seen in a movie or a saucy film. Say something unexpectedly filthy, wear some new, not grey underwear. Embrace the unpredictable and unexpected even if it’s out of your comfort zone. (If you decide to lure them in to the bushes at a wedding make sure that the floodlights from the marquee aren’t shining on you. You might feel like you’re in the dark but you are in fact in the spotlight, as a friend of mine realised after she took her boyfriend outside for a special  treat and inadvertently provided a live show for the rest of the wedding guests).

Sexual complacency is not a place we want to be. We must remind ourselves as our relationships mature not to get too settled before we end up wearing indoor shoes. We still need to make and effort and impress our partners with our prowess, after all, we don’t want them being tempted to have more exciting nookie with somebody else better than us. Somebody else with upgraded vigour and passion. Why be economy when you can be first class? Cast your minds back to when you first met, remember the way you made each other feel. In order to seal the courtship deal we went all out to get the prize and we need to re-engage that hunger.

So what do we do about it? I was going to discourage a knee jerk reaction to suddenly transform yourself in to a sex addicted to a porn star, but upon reflection particularly for the men, this would be like catching condcorde to utopia so if you have the energy girls then go for it. But for a more gentle approach throw in a few new moves, initiate something fun, somewhere new. This could be as simple as a teenage style pashing session against the kitchen counter while the asparagus is steaming.

Do something, anything, surprise yourself. Be the bird of paradise. You’d be amazed what you can do. Just don’t rest on your love laurels.

SPRING CLEANING

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Spring Cleaning, the new scene from Joybear’s latest film, Housemates, is available now to watch HERE, starring Adreena Winters and Peter Oh Toole. 

Drummer Miles is waiting for Bradley in the living room whilst Rosa tidies. He gets bored of hanging around so decides to have some fun with Rosa, who is delighted to take a break from the hoovering. Spring cleaning has never been so dirty.

Watch the explicit scene here
Watch the soft version of the trailer here.

CHERYL COLE

Cheryl Cole's Bottom

This is Cheryl Cole’s tattooed bot bot. Whilst it’s a lovely bottom, I’ve never seen one completely inked with art before and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

A brave move from the singer who decided to make a fu@k it list after she recovered from malaria. I would have probably gone for a threesome with Daniel Craig and Harry Styles but perhaps she’s already been there, done that. Cheryl will have to carefully pick a partner who will presumably have previous experience in the garden. A green fingered maestro, able to tackle her foliage and who will undoubtedly enjoy spending time taking her round the back.  Would a rose by any other bottom smell as sweet? Me thinks not.

 Pictures courtesy of Cheryl Cole/Instagram

EMPOWER WOMEN

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In this article today Victoria Beckham says she wants to empower women with her fashion line. The problem with this Victoria, is that in order to feel empowered by your clothes, we need to feel empowered by you first.
It’s hard to feel empowered by a role model who is clearly insecure herself. Just watch footage of her having her photo taken on the red carpet here. Every move is so contrived, you see an over rehearsed robot shuffling down the carpet, tilting it’s head back and forth, opening and closing it’s mouth like a guppy fish. How can women be empowered by this example? Being empowered means on every level  you’re completely confident about who you are, happy in your skin, just being you. This is evidence to the contrary.

It is not my intention to be a complete bitch about VB because I’m sure she’s a lovely girl and I certainly respect her for her professionalism, success and her work ethic. On a professional level she is faultless and fabulous. But on a public level she needs to work on her game. (She also needs to  know that in order to empower real women with her fashion line she needs to please make a range where a wallet doesn’t cost £350, and we can get a dress for less than £500. At least then we have a gnats chance).

To empower women I suggest she start by taking the following small steps:

1. Smile more –  even if you think you might look less attractive than you do when you keep your mouth vb smilesshut, you don’t. Confidence is attractive and the foundation for sex appeal. You are better in every way when you smile. Watching you pose as you part your lips and shut them again, and repeat over and over looks vain, self obsessed and insecure about how you think you look. YOU LOOK GOOD. You don’t need to try so hard.

2. Wear flat shoes more.

3. When you have a photo taken with your husband you don’t have to lay claim by planting a hand on him or grab him for reassurance. You don’t look empowered, you look needy.
( FYI he needs you more than you need him. You are an International Superstar, Supermum, Spice Girl and Fashion Designer. If you’re not confident about yourself then what hope is there for us?)

4. Eat a square meal.

5. Just drop the act and relax.

Then we’ll be inspired by you.

Images courtesy of The Daily Mail

 

EVERY GIRLS FANTASY

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Girls, prepare yourselves. Boys, take note. Kindness to Strangers, the third scene from Housemates is available now and it’s a visual feast. I was giddy with delight watching this because there is a sense of anticipation, romance and best of all, candles. Lots and lots of candles.

Jess meets the owner of the house who just happens to be a famous rock star. She gets home from work and follows the path of candles up the stairs to the attic. Every girls fantasy.

Watch the explicit scene now here.
www.joybear.com
Watch the soft version of the trailer here.

THE SNIP

condom

Many of my friends have finished having children and the interesting topic of vasectomies has been raised a few times recently. Many have already had them and some are thinking about having them. The job of procreation is done and now people want to do away with the hassle of pills, coils, injections and condoms so the boys have stepped up and had the snip. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy hassle free spontaneous coupling (I can’t stop using this word now – it’s so on trend) without the fear of STI’s or unwanted pregnancy for the last few years before we turn peri-menopausal and start growing chin hair. ( On a lighter note regarding ageing, fertility and the menopause, let me remind you that no matter what your age it’s never game over for party time in the pants department).

Whilst contraception is vital in preventing sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy, once you’re in a relationship it can sometimes be a bit of a pain. First experiences are with condoms which offer great protection, and are simple, hygenic and there’s no clean up afterwards but then there’s Foreplay Interruptus. Just as you’re ready to go you have to stop, roll over, find the shag bag and put on one. Then try and pick up where you left off with the overwhelming smell of latex and spermicide to guide you back in to throes of passion. Not ideal.

We are incredibly lucky to benefit from free contraception in this country and it is absolutely necessary if you’re sexually active with new, multiple or untested partners, but most methods have a drawback or two. And this is why for those of you who’ve free-cycled all your baby things, the vasectomy is the answer. Your women have been through enough with endless trips to the doctors for check ups, pregnancies, childbirth and years of pill popping responsibilities. They are contraceptive veterans and deserve a break. And don’t start with telling them it may make your balls swell up and turn blue, or you may want to have kids with a new partner if they unexpectedly die early ( who’s 26, prettier, and desperate for your babies) . The swelling rarely happens, you can have it reversed and your younger partner will have her hands full playing step mother – there’s no way she’ll want more children ( and as if you’re going to find someone prettier).

Boys – it’s time to man up. It takes 15 minutes and you leave with a plaster. What’s all the fuss?

vasectomy scissors

For information on Contraception visit www.nhs.uk
For information on Vasectomies visit www.nhs.uk
Images courtesy of flavoured-condoms.net and bydandmedical.com.au

 

HOUSEMATES

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Domestic Bliss, the second scene from Housemates is available now to watch here starring the handsome Luke Hotrod and the gorgeous Chessie Kay. Annalise and Billy have a very frisky morning together in the kitchen while he’s trying to get on with some work, meanwhile Jess is upstairs feeling lonely.

Watch the explicit scene here.
Watch the soft version of the trailer here.
Watch all soft trailers on the Joybear You Tube channel here.
Visit Joybear www.joybear.com

Enjoy it xx